Command and Control

One of the desperate feelings that grips me from time to time is the feeling of loss. More so loss of control over life's directions.

When I was around 40, I told myself that I need to plan for my retirement. So I mull and pondered over all the possible options. Now more than 10 years later, I find myself not any closer to any answers.

I love coffee, photography, and food. Operating a small corner coffee stall, like a mini starbucks, was one idea that I know will be wishful thinking - but fun to think about. I am not cut out to be a serious photographer - eyesight not too great and shaky hands. Food? My wife is now a better baker and cook than I am. She has overtaken me leaps and bounds. When we first got married - I was the chef. She was good for the rice, fried eggs and fried vegetable. Today, I only good for fried eggs. Even at this, my youngest does a better job!

Coming from a line of administrators, I never expected a great career where I will be high and mighty in some multinational corporation. But life do have surprises. I had my fun times - like getting aircraft manufacturers to admit that they screwed up on some technical designs and then getting compensated!. Had a chance to be a "mighty connected" executive with blackberry. I gave up the blackberry a few years later - time alone was more precious than the false promise of prominence.

Being in the "post 50" stage, what should I do? Retirement is just round the corner. I would like to quit my job and work in Ikea - wearing sneakers, fixing shelves, moving about, getting sweaty - but I am not finanancially independent. Guess I will never be ......

So now at the twilight years of my life I am caught. But over the past weeks I come to realise that in life, there are always options. And each option has a cost to it. Not quite a "zero sum game" situation but similar. In all choices, we lose some and gain some. However I had difficulty in selecting choices because I did not change my mindset - like in management gurus' term paradigm change.

And so at the twilight years of my life, I realised I needed to change my worldview of life itself. Life basic needs will always be there - but the issue is how much should I be reacting towards meeting needs. More crucial now is, has my life purpose change?

In some degree it has. I seem to see more clearly now what I want to do because I am now less distracted with many of the concerns of life. Age puts dampers on distractions!

By God's grace, I am looking forward to these coming years. I want to put much effort in helping the next generation. Now I am a wee bit satisfied that I still in some control of my life.